pitch black
by kite strings
Summary: After losing Blair, an emotionally crippled Chuck realizes the consequences of his actions. He craves things he shouldn't crave, but most of all, he wants Blair. [between 3x17 and 3x18]


Chuck didn't know what he thinking when he agreed to Jack's terms and conditions. He had named the one thing that Chuck valued so much. Chuck had responded with a definite 'no' immediately and Jack raised concerns that without the Empire, Chuck was a man with nothing to his name (other than Bass Industries).

"Get back to me on that, will you?" Jack had told him with a tap on his shoulder as he walked away from Chuck. The Empire was, after all, the complete manifestation of his whole life's worth and it was a sign to him and his dead father, that Chuck was a man. He had to find a way to regain it. He wouldn't be a lost boy any more.

It was the toughest decision he ever made, but he was sure that it was worth it. Blair was his and there was no denying that they would end up together. It was simply meant to be. They had gone through so much together and Blair knew who he truly was. She knew that the Empire meant the world to Chuck and hopefully, she would understand. That gave Chuck the reassurance he needed to finalize his decision.

He texted Jack where to find Blair and told him that he would do whatever it took to regain his Empire.

—

Watching Blair walk away from him was the most emotionally crippling experience of his life. It didn't compare to losing his father or even the nights of self blame, all because Chuck had pushed her away. There was no one to blame but himself. He saw the tears in her eyes and all he wanted to do was wipe them with his thumb. He wanted to hold her close and just make it all better.

His cheek stung from her slap earlier and it served as a reminder that he had made a mistake, yet again. He stormed out to his limo and ordered Arthur to drive back to the Empire. He had made it all the way back to his penthouse on automatic but he felt a coldness in his heart and he realized that he may have gotten his Empire back, but it was worthless without Blair.

He held his phone in his hand as he debated calling her. He finally dialed her number. He was restless to hear her voice and he craved her, like never before. She provided the heat to his flame, the spark to his heart. He realized that he had grown so dependent on her that without her, he couldn't function.

It went to voicemail after the first ring, and he knew that she had ignored him. He wasn't surprised but after each call, his hope dwindled down. He poured himself a glass of scotch and drank it full within moments. There was no burn, he realized, as kept pouring more and drinking more. Before, he used to drink Scotch because it was his father's drink of choice. It was a constant call of attention, all the underage boozing and Bart Bass couldn't even realize that Chuck was drinking his precious Scotch.

There was always a burn as it rushed down his throat and that burn reminded him that he wasn't his father and he had to try harder.

There was no burn, but there was no satisfaction from the lack of burning sensation. He realized he missed the burn. He needed it. Not for Bart, but for Blair. He walked to the bar and opened a bottle of Balkan Vodka some investor had gifted him and brought the bottle to his mouth. He took a swig and it was back. There was a rush of slow raging heat down his throat as he drank but he didn't stop.

He called her one last time; he knew she wasn't going to pick up and he had every intent on leaving her a voicemail.

"This is Blair Waldorf. I'm not here, so you can leave a message and someone will get back to you!" her voice sounded like bliss to his ears and he closed his eyes as he sighed.

"Blair, call me back. I just want to talk to you. I need you to understand. I can't do this without you," he paused for a moment as he exhaled, "I love you and I need to know you do too."

—

He stripped angrily as he wandered to the bathroom. He was so used to seeing her accessories in the bathroom that as soon as he stepped in, he was confused. He thought for a moment that it might have been the wrong room, due to his dear uncle's redecoration. There was a singular scent that used to emanate from the tub and he looked around to spy Blair's bath salts that she kept at his place and he tore apart every cabinet to search for some reminder of her.

If he couldn't see her, he wanted something of her's. He needed her and he didn't know what to do now that she was gone.

He groaned as he leaned on the wall, covering his face. The heat rushed up and he thought that he was getting drunk but his eyes started watering. Suddenly, his throat closed and it was too stifling to breathe; the air seemed so much thicker around him. The glass from his hand slipped and he watched it break instantly on contact. He slipped down against the wall; his chest felt too heavy. He could hear his heart thump (ba dum ba dum) but there was no meaning behind it. It was as if the world was closing in on him and he had to get away.

His hand had rolled in a fist and he hadn't even realized it until he slammed it on the ground, neglecting the remnants of the broken glass. He deserved it. He deserved whatever pain for making Blair cry; she was precious, unbreakable and he had truly done the unthinkable. He feared that he broke her.

He groaned as he realized the crimson droplets swirling in the vodka, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He shut his eyes, tightly as if to block the treating tears. Men didn't cry. Chuck had come so far along. He wasn't going to waver now. He laughed uneasily but all that came out were a series of unshaken breaths.

Eventually (it seemed like hours), Chuck stood up and turned the water as he stepped inside the shower. He stood there silently, moving slowly. The steaming water burned against his hand and then, he realized he had to clean it up.

Chuck wore his white bathrobe as he laid on his bed. His wet hair probably damaged the silk sheets that Blair had bought but he couldn't bring himself to care.

As he closed his eyes shut, all he could hear was her voice. It was just last week when she had promised him that she would always be his family, and now he laughed mirthlessly at the thought of that. His entire family had abandoned him. His father hated him, resented his very sight for the sole reason that Chuck reminded him of his mother. His mother, who used him and exploited his (very vulnerable) emotions and played upon them to take his company to his uncle, who seemed to make it his life's mission to destroy Chuck's life.

For a moment he thought that maybe it was best that Blair wasn't his family because his family was so fucked up. There was no good shared between any of his relatives and maybe he was at fault. Surely, something was wrong with him if everyone of relation disliked him.

He sighed and realized that he had pushed away the one good thing in his life. Blair, who had always stood by him. Blair, who believed in him even when no one else did. She believed there was good in him and he had proved her wrong. He just pushed and pushed until she wasn't there and Chuck Bass was alone, once again.

Notes:

I appreciate any comments/concerns you might have since this was a hard piece for me to write. I chose to write Chuck this way because in season 3, he's still not emotionally grown. His emotional spectrum is very stunted and if you watch the end of 3x17 and the beginning of 3x18, he never apologizes to Blair (until 5x10). This is from Chuck's perspective.


End file.
